Wild Card: The Real Power of Forgiveness

Original photo "Sunset 2018" by Angelica Cabrera

As I sit here and type out the ideas of a semi-sane adult, I can't help but think about the angsty days of youth when forgiveness was the last thing on my mind. In fact, it was borderline impossible to reason with me about anything, let alone hear myself think through the Paramour and Evanescence. But we've all been there, right? So wrapped up in our narrow-minded hatred that we can't see anything past it. I tell this short story today to hopefully inspire you to show compassion to someone who has wronged you. This is a personal story that has been my toughest lesson in forgiveness, so I can only imagine how hard it is for you. Find the strength in your heart to forgive them for whatever they have done. It might surprise you how freeing it can be.

The Truth About Forgiveness is Simple...

When I was eight years old, my parents got a divorce and my world was forever changed. Nothing but drama, tears, and heartache at the end of the day. It was a narrative that defined me for the rest of my adolescence and God only knows how long I truly wove the damn "woe is me" flag around about it. Nonetheless, for the longest time, I had trust issues. And when I did decide to trust, and that trust was broken, you bet your bottom dollar it was never coming back. A toxic rollercoaster on the way to adulthood. In this toxic gook, I had always rooted the problem of my "misfortunes" to the person that came between my parents. My feelings conflicted between the seething hate of my mother and the blind wonder of my father. It was a lot to decipher as a tiny tater tot, but let me assure you that I handled it as diplomatically as any pre-teen would: with angst and grace.

This mixed bag of emotions slapped itself on my back for the long haul and let me tell you, it was not letting go. I felt fake and hollow anytime I had to interact with her. I grinned and bore it for my brothers and felt guilty when I caught myself having a good time. As if having a good time was a betrayal to my mother or something. It felt like I was living a very calculated lie. And all the while, I had found the inability to forgive her. And then I grew up.

The older got, the more I understood all the choices that the adults around me made. I understood what it was like to feel cheated on and to cheat on others, no matter how much I loved them. I understood the feeling of being lost and desperate and alone. I understood being misunderstood. And trying your best. And all these things that we as human beings do every single day just to survive. It's not always pretty or glamorous and nine times out of ten, if we have a smoke or a drink at the end of the day, let's be honest, it's a fucking win.

When I was a kid, I obviously had not one clue about these feelings. No wonder why I never understood "why all of this was happening", or "why things couldn't be different", or my personal favorite "why did you do this to me?". I naturally had no idea what being a person was like and how many mistakes we end up making along the way. And the more I understood and faced my own demons, I was able to find forgiveness for one single reason: there was someone caught in the middle of my choice.

My brothers have lived away from me since I was in middle school and have always lived with their mother. The older I got, the more I relied on her to connect with them. I was grateful that she took the energy and effort to make sure they knew who I was even from so far away. I was grateful for her to be their mom. And in the midst of all this gratitude, understanding, and personal drama, I was given the choice: continue to hate or learn to forgive.

It seems like such a simple choice when typing it out, but the emotions and perspectives we have about a person don't just disappear overnight. It took a very long time for conversations to be easy and fun. It took even longer for me to reach out first. It took practice and patience and it is still ongoing. But this forgiveness has gifted me the ability to connect with someone who gives me the ability to bond with my brothers. If I had stayed rooted in hate, I'd never be afforded half the opportunities I am now.

Forgiveness can truly be a gift if you let it in. You don't have to like the person or agree with their choices. But letting go of the emotions connected to the wrong done to you by someone else will free you up to understand the world, and yourself, a bit more. It's a journey that shapes us into the people that inspire others around us. It's not easy, but it's sure as hell worth it.

This "article" has been written in the spirit of play and hopefully will inspire you to bring more forgiveness into your life. Until next week my lovely word vommiters.